Category Archives for "Life Coaching"

The stories we tell ourselves, and what you can do about them

the stories we tell ourselves

The stories we tell ourselves,

and what you can do about them

There are a few themes that are set on repeat in the Wayfairer HQ and one of them is about the stories we tell ourselves. Have you ever listened to the stories, the voices in your head tell you? Whether they’re self-doubts, you can’ts to hell yes’s and what ifs.

That voice or those voices have quite a strong influence over most of us. These stories can quite quickly and easily be mistaken for truths. They often have the power and capacity to incapacitate us, to swell that lump of fear and ring in the naysayers at the back of our minds.

Stories we tell are often not true

But it’s not all doom and gloom, because it at these junctions that growth and awareness can develop, unfold and can change the trajectory of the stories being developed or told in our heads.

No one other than you can hear this story. Which means no one other than you can change the tune, the tone, the content and make that story ring truer than its original shitty first draft. The shitty first draft that many accept as being the final polished and buffed piece that the world sees.

Dr Brené Brown talks of her internal dialogue as one that can either cripple her or fire her up to get on with her intention to keep showing up for the world. To continue writing, researching, presenting her ideas. Rewriting that story where she is the imposter and her story is full of doubt, fear, and vulnerability.

Sound familiar?

Recently I was talking with a friend about my ability to upsell, wax lyrical and prioritise my work for others and the work they do. However, when it comes to my own work, skill set, experience and abilities I am completely paralysed. By not only a very strong sense of fear and vulnerability (oh my goodness I don’t know everything, what if someone finds out!) But also imposter syndrome. Despite my training and educational background, over 15 years of experience and a university degree. I still seem to believe the story in my head. It reads like this – I’m not enough to do this work. I’ve not got enough experience. I have to get more qualifications. I need to work for other people, use their skills, experience, and business as a buffer to hide behind. To shield myself from being exposed as an imposter. These are huge excuses for not letting my own innate skills loose, and actually being brave enough to be successful. Which is contrary to the fear I tell myself of being afraid of failing. Which, I am not. Funnily enough.

“If we deny our stories, they own us,” says Brené Brown. “When we own our stories, we get to write the ending. When we deny our stories and disengage from tough emotions, they don’t go away – they own us, then they define us. Our job is not to deny the story, but to defy the ending – to rise strong, reckon with our story and rumble with the truth until we get to a place where we think, yes. This is what happened. This is my truth. And I will choose how this story ends.”

The shitty first draft (sfd)

When I first read about this in Brené Brown’s book, Rising Strong, it took a bit of digesting. Probably because my fears realised they were about to be caught out. The biggest question that came up was, Why would writing our stories be of any use? Eventually, it dawned on me that if our stories are out of our heads and in the real world positioned next to other items for scale and perspective we’d see what shitty stories they really are. How irrelevant they actually are in relation to not only the truth but also reality.

Fellow fear facer and author Elizabeth Gilbert wrote an exceptional letter to fear in her book Big Magic.

 

The stories fear tells us

 

The sfd

Not everyone is a storyteller, a writer or inclined to put their innermost thoughts on paper (or on a computer). I know there are days where I can’t even sit still long enough to write a sentence, so my suggestions are these. Take out the medium that you feel most at ease with communicating these stories.

  • writing, stories, poems, lyrics, emails, notes, permission slips
  • painting, drawing, sculpting, carving
  • photographs or videos
  • speak the stories through songs, a vlog, podcast, voice recording on your phone, conversation with another person

The SFD doesn’t need to be public, it just needs to be out of your head and exposed for what it really is. Bullshit.

I always say to my students. Ask the question. Get the clarification. Make the statement. You are not the only one in the room feeling that way. By raising your hand and putting yourself in a space of vulnerability I can guarantee that at least one other will feel the same. They will be moved to either support you and contribute to the story or write/speak their own version.

Like all good stories, they need space and time to be told. So carve out a niche of time and get those words or images out of your head. Start that shitty first draft and see it for what it is. Fear. Vulnerability. Self-doubt. Acknowledge it, take responsibility for it. But don’t believe it. Please, don’t believe it.

Reigning in the stories

Brené, who has interviewed artists, CEOs, parents, teachers and military leaders as part of her mission to uncover what it takes to lean into vulnerability in the name of being courageous, suggests a few key points in order to ‘rise strong’ in the face of a roadblock, stumble (or sinkhole).

1.    Acknowledge when you’re getting caught in emotion

The physiological signs of this can be different for everyone but may involve sweaty palms, tingly insides, dizziness, racing heart, rushing thoughts.

2.    Own your story 

Acknowledge your fears and worries to yourself and identify what they are, exactly. You will probably recognise that they’re somewhat exaggerated versions of the actual truth.

3.    Go searching for the truth

Take it gently, this might involve, confessing to the person your SFD is about or involving and saying something along the lines of ‘In my head, the story I’m telling myself is…’

4.    Create a new story

In most situations, it’s possible to identify what the real issue is. Overwhelm, stress, tiredness, PMS, and more are all contributors to the story. The rest? Pure confabulation.

5.    Challenge your themes

If you’re serious about getting up and out of the SFD vicious circle, review your SFDs and pull out the recurring themes that you’re concocting on a regular basis about situations in your life, about people, about circumstances. Acknowledge the underlying false beliefs that may be plaguing you.

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If you need more help or coaching please get in touch here or info(@)wayfairer.net

Framing stories.

 

 

 

HELP – a word that can be used at any time, not just in an emergency

Help is about recognising ourselves and reaching out.

It’s a glorious day outside. Part of me is lusting to roll around in it, whilst the other, more sensible part of me is suggesting I sit, and get my to-do list done before I venture out. In this instance, I’ve gone with my sensible side. (As a compromise, I moved my desk outside and I’m soaking up the warmth as I tick off my to-do list.) Why? Because I’ve been procrastinating for a week and I’m at the point where I just want things to get D.O.N.E. and out of my head and off my list.

Sound familiar?

This morning I had a meeting with a woman who helps people get their lives in order. Business or personal she rolls up her sleeves and sorts sh*t out. Why does her business work? Because she’s helping people in a way that’s natural for her and invaluable to them. The result of her help with clearing people’s mental and physical space, allows them to let go of the checklist and focus on the bigger picture.

My zone of genius is different to hers. Her zone of genius is not the same as the next person. This is a key aspect of our society, community, and tribe. We all excel at different things. So why is it that we so often hold onto all the stuff that we’re not good at rather than asking for help?

I’m not sure about you, but for me, help was a word that I associated with failure or inability to cope with the twelve million things I had to do each day. I had a boyfriend who once said “I love you, and your to-do lists” which, truth be told, can be epic, and that’s not necessarily a good thing. Which brings me to…

Help . What a powerful and underutilised word.

 

We’re quite used to referring to a doctor about an illness or a company for a product that will fill a need. But, why do we overlook the things that impact our functionality at a personal level? Most women I know put others first. Deny their own needs and time out from doing all the time to just being.

Be the change and help by changing your habits

Help is about recognising ourselves, and our limitations and reaching out.

Is asking for help really a reflection of your skill or ability? No, it’s not. In fact, it’s a reflection of your ability to admit that some things are not your area of expertise. Fundamentally your time and sense of well-being is worth more than the money you’d spend getting the job done.

Just over the past year, I’ve been asking for a lot more help, and the impact of these different types of help surprised me:

  1. I didn’t realise how much space in my brain they occupied, or how often they reappeared on the to-do list
  2. They were a hidden or invisible source of stress, which quite frankly I didn’t need
  3. By letting these things go I created more flow for other things that I could do with pleasure to enter my space.

And, on top of those three realisations, I got things done. Getting things done creates momentum, and momentum creates motivation, creativity, and expansion. From there on in, the sky is the limit.

How and where to find help

First of all, ask around. Ask friends, and people you trust and respect. Get feedback – the good, the bad and the ugly. Clarify what you need help with, exactly. Make time to have conversations with people who might be able to help. Ask questions, be honest, open, upfront. Assess how you can pay for help – with money, exchange of skills or time, products.

And what type of help might I need?

Business help:
  • Assistants whether virtual or physical will help organise your life. From filing, paperwork, invoicing, planning and scheduling, they will free up space for more billable hours.
  • Business coaches can offer guidance and clarity on what’s working, what’s not and help you with a strategy and steps to execute it.
  • Digital marketing and social media specialists will help optimise your online presence. In addition, they will create a plan to continue developing and evolving as both your business and social media changes.
  • Experts. Anyone who can do something you’re either not able to physically fit in or absolutely hate doing. Don’t add anxiety to your mix.
Life help:
  • Life and purpose coach, they’ll help identify what you’re good at, what comes naturally and how they can be combined. They’ll bring an outside perspective of you.
  • Financial education, so many of us have no idea. Create financial freedom for yourself and your future.
  • Want to lose weight or make your early morning sessions at the gym more efficient? Get a personal trainer for a regular check-in and training plan adjustment session.
  • Find a nutritionist to help outline what you’re missing and adjust your meal planning. As a result, you will eat food better suited to your body type and health goals.
  • Cleaning, cooking, housework and other life stuff. It doesn’t have to happen every week. But having at least one or a few of those taken off your hands is a game changer.
  • Rotate date nights or time out with parents of your children’s friends, schedule time off and time out.

And to recap: how will help, help you, and others?

  1. It will free up space in your head
  2. Release associated anxiety and stress (both physical and invisible)
  3. Open up time in your day, week, month
  4. Give someone an opportunity to shine their light and tap into their zone of genius.

The result = everybody wins.

 

 

If you need or want help with this, get in touch here or info (at) wayfairer.net

Digital nomad: You don’t have to be in your 20s to be one

Digital nomad, a word, a concept that seems to be floating around the internet with increasing regularity often accompanied by images of tropical locations with twenty-somethings looking outrageously tanned and healthy frolicking in hipster juice bars with oversized headphones and all the latest tech.

Sound familiar? Thought it might.

It also could make people feel that if they didn’t fit that demographic then being a digital nomad is not the right fit for them.

That raises the question, what is a digital nomad?

Digital nomads are people who are location independent and use technology to perform their job. Digital nomads work remotely (telecommute), which is now economically possible due to cheap internet access, smartphones and voice over internet protocol (VoIP) to keep in contact with clients and employers. (def: invevstopedia.com)

That’s the technical definition from Investopedia, from which we can see that a digital nomad does not need to be of a certain age, or have a passion for tropical islands or hot climates. Essentially, digital nomadism is about doing your work from where you’d prefer, whether that is from home, a café, co-work space, airports, hotels or a juice bar.

The digital nomad’s office equipment

I am a digital nomad

I work remotely, every day. And often not in tropical locations, mainly due to my other life commitments. At Christmas last year I worked in a cabin in the mountains in Norway, doing a few hours after everyone left to go skiing and then heading out at whatever time suited me to ski, play and enjoy the landscape.

Normally, I live in a remote village in Spain, where jobs are scarce (the region has 40% unemployment, and those who do have jobs are either tourism based and thus seasonal, family business or move to larger cities in the region). I moved there to escape city life, I’d had enough of 15 hour days, high-stress levels, manipulative managers, internal politics and the increasing cost of living. At the end of the day, I often wondered, what am I doing all this for?

Between living in London and moving to Spain, I returned home to Sydney, where I spent six months working for a training agency streamlining their systems and processes, at the end of that contract I was ready to travel again. I renegotiated my role to become a content writer for them, thus creating a digital nomad role for myself. I proceeded to travel for the following year working remotely. In Spain, other options presented themselves, coaching and training online, teaching English VoIP, editing and writing.

Essentially, being a digital nomad is working from somewhere other than an office within structured office hours.

Is there a future for digital nomadism?

 By the year 2035, it has been predicted that there will be 1 billion digital nomads world-wide. Why? Because we’re swapping corporate structure for flexibility, independence to work within our own life structure – whether that’s kids, gym class timetables or our partners, doesn’t matter. Plus, employers are admitting that finding local talent isn’t always possible. Large companies such as Dell are aiming to have 50% of their 140,000 employees location independent by 2020, acknowledging that remote workers reduce their real estate, and environmental footprint (imagine how many extra commuters are off the road at peak hour).

Research has found that productivity increases when we’re given the freedom to create our own schedule – not everyone is productive between 9-5. Flexibility also allows people to develop their own passion projects, cultivate further knowledge and their ideal working conditions. Gallup’s report, State of the American Workplace illustrated that more employees in the United States were working remotely and reported to feeling more engaged at work, especially those who spent 3 or more days out of the traditional office environment. Basically, when people opt to work remotely, it’s beneficial for business profits, the planet, and people.

What career options are there?

Where does that leave you? With options. The digital nomad lifestyle is achievable and if you manage it well and set up clear boundaries between your work and home life, you’re in for an excellent change in your work lifestyle.

Need some ideas of what you might be able to do or consider doing:

Need ideas? Grab your copy today on Amazon or in the Wayfairer shop.

 

  • Photography
  • Counselling, Coaching, Training
  • Web-Based Technologies
  • Digital Marketing
  • Editing, Journalism, Writing
  • Information Technology
  • Design
  • Accounting and Finance
  • Programming
  • Administration / Virtual Assistant
  • Teaching and Education
  • Sports, Fitness, and Wellness
  • Food and Nutrition

Resources:

There are plenty of resources and areas in which digital nomads are in demand. You just need to decide how you’re going to make the digital nomad lifestyle work for you.

Get clarity on how you can create your version of the ‘digital nomad’ – for more info email info (at) wayfairer.net or click here to reserve your 30 minute 1:1 session.

Join the dots. Making sense of divine information.

Maintain your balance when you travel

Join the dots. Making sense of divine information.

Join the dots – what does that mean? Good question, and exactly what I said to myself when I heard it too. Which lead me to think, how do we make sense of divine information?

A friend asked me to read a pendant of hers, she’s been going through what’s looked like the rinse cycle of life the last few years and her four pillars have been out of alignment. (See my post What the f*^k do I do now? to read more about the four pillars). She has faced some amazing challenges. But, with change comes a lot of uncertainty and she asked me for some help. Specifically to help her find direction or ideas about how to proceed from the point where she finds herself and her work.

The ability of the clairsentient is the ability to feel or know information, generally through touching or holding an object. Amazing pendulum necklaces are available at Pound Jewelery

You see, I’m clairsentience which translates to “clear touch”. A skill known as psychometry, which means that I can read, feel or understand information from objects, jewelry, flowers, anything that will talk to me. It is with this information that I gather a picture or word to answer a question or describe a past, present or future. Sometimes even a past life. It depends on the person, situation, and question.

You might know about the extrasensory skills, which we all have to varying degrees of strength or ability. The most famous, clairvoyance, is the ability to see the future, present, and past. Clairaudience, to hear and perceive sound or extrasensory noise beyond the limitations of ordinary time and space. Clairolfactus, to smell scents from outside their current time and space. Clairgustance, to perceive taste or the essence of a substance. Claircognizance, someone who can psychically tune into another persons’ feelings, attitudes or emotions.

Whilst I was reading my friends’ pendant I asked about her work and what she should do. All I got was “join the dots” which to me was not an immediately obvious answer to my question. Join the dots, that made me think of children’s colouring and puzzle books. Linking points and colouring in, creating images that did not exist a few moments earlier. It was then that I understood the message. But, I’ll tell you more about her first.

She, like me, is multi-passionate. A very talented painter, writer, and tarot / oracle card reader and a doctor, she does all four, separately. She could very easily go down any path and find great success with her intelligence, creativity, and skills. But should she continue to do them separately?  So I asked her – what does “join the dots” mean to you? At first, she didn’t know what to say, we talked about the different jobs, options, and combinations of opportunities that might present themselves. Everything from writing and illustrating a book to spirit painting and readings. What became clear was that the idea of continuing to be a doctor no longer appealed.

After making the clarification between the previous career and the new curiosities, interests or passions. We pulled an oracle card to see what the universe had to say about “join the dots”.

This is what the oracle card said – follow and do all your favourite things. Surround yourself with these favourite things whether literally or metaphorically. From this space of being surrounded by your passions create what you love, rather than just what you think will bring you financial reward or what people want.

In her case, it means to not paint what she thinks people will buy or want, but painting what she loves to paint, she’s inspired by very specific environments and would do better to focus on these rather than just painting anything and everything. But, most importantly, what she decides to do must be done with a light heart, not a heart weighed down by expectations. From these creations, avenues will appear.

Whether the purpose is just to hang her creations on a wall at home to decorate a room or to do what she loves. Most importantly do it light-heartedly, don’t give a fuck if you’re going to sell it or not, but do it because you love it. Join the dots between all your passions, loves, curiosities. When you do, spirit will be right there in the middle and the abundance will come. That is connecting the dots, connecting one passion or pursuit with the other with a light heart.

Finding a common thread to join the dots

A common question I get from clients is “What should I do?” I have so many passions, curiosities, and interests, I don’t know where to start. Sound familiar? The key thing to do here is to find the common thread through your life.

My first suggestion is to do a series of exercises. You need a selection of different coloured post-it notes, a pen, table or space to write quickly and a blank wall. Write each question on a small piece of paper and leave them in a stack upside down on the table

Stick your post-its on the wall to get distance and read them easily and clearly.

The aim, to answer a series of questions and write each answer on a different post-it note. Some questions will take a few post-it notes and others, many.

Set up a time and space where you won’t be interrupted, set a timer for 90-second intervals. Turn over a question and answer it as rapidly as you can, writing each new idea on a separate post-it note, stick each post-it note on the wall. Download the 15 question common thread pop quiz worksheet.

If this process doesn’t appeal to you, I suggest downloading the life recipe workbook which is another version of the same process, but without the speed. 😉

Now you have a wall filled with post-it notes filled with your ideas / completed life recipe workbook – start to group the ideas together that resonate with each other. For example, when my friend and I completed the exercise we grouped together post-its related to drawing and writing with meditation and spiritual work, as we know our best work comes when our minds are still and we’re receptive to new ideas, regardless of how crazy they might be!

I start with grouping thing together that are immediately obvious:

  • Work -types of business, industries, part time / full time, in an office, remote
  • Places to live, work or travel
  • Exercise, health
  • Relationships (past, present, future)

Once the core groups are assembled, I then play with combinations and create new groups or join groups together. It is generally here that we see / identify themes and patterns within our lives, past and present work, projects and so on.

From these new groups, there will be one or two that will shine more brightly than the others, the one that you can imagine losing yourself in, it will be about your service for others. Use this as your starting point to then start developing the ideas that will come with doing this group of actions. For example, when I did this exercise years ago the key themes that came up for me

For example, when I did this exercise years ago the key themes that came up for me were teaching, learning, educating, coaching, talking, listening, advising, helping, solving, travel, adventure, sunshine, beach, sea, online, remote, location independent. Grouping these ideas together I used my background in education and training to start a coaching business related to solving the problem of finding purpose in life, combining travel and location independence and giving people the tools, confidence, and the ability to travel, and work, either alone or with people.

So, tell me – what dots do you need to start joining?

 

 

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1 What the f*^k do I do now? Dealing with the dreaded c-word. Change.

Managing the C-word. Change

Change. Dealing with the dreaded c-word and answering the question – What the fuck do I do now?

The c-word, change and the question, “what the fuck to I do now?” has been circulating in my head the last few days. And today, I’ve been thinking about my next steps, which is a state I am sure that everyone can relate to.
Recently, I found out that I need to move from where I live. Which is both a great and annoying thing. It’s great because I haven’t been entirely happy for a while, but convenience prevailed. It’s annoying because I’m not quite ready to move. I’ll be honest, finding a house can be a pain in the butt. It forces you to look at all the things in your life that need to be evaluated, which can be an uncomfortable activity if you’ve let things lie for a while, like I have.
It’s unsettling to receive unexpected news, even if it is for the highest good. Thinking about the next steps always bring up all sorts of questions. The most obvious being where to live, which for someone who is prone to wandering, a tricky question to answer. Where to find this new location called home, even if only temporarily.

Remember, you’re exactly where you need to be

The C-word…change

Change. How a 6-letter word can strike so much fear bewilders me. Change. Change can be good, fun, terrifying, nerve-wracking and also liberating. But change makes you look at your life through a microscope. For example, change requires you to look at your finances and getting an idea of what you can and can’t afford to do. And like most people, I’m not all that excited about keeping my financial house tidy. Which is ridiculous as money is essential and offers an element of freedom if you choose to accept it. Plus, keeping things organised allows greater accountability which leads to flow, and with flow comes abundance.

Yes, but what about all the other stuff in my life?

Then comes the age-old question, am I really happy in all aspects of my life? We have four main pillars in our lives – health, work/study/self-development, relationships and home, if one of those pillars is out of alignment then we struggle to find balance. And that imbalance will prevail until the pillar is brought back into balance. We’re only as strong and balanced as our weakest pillar, and finding out what needs to change or healed will help bring back that balance and strength. With balance and strength comes clarity and from clarity, answers to our questions.
Sometimes more than one pillar is out, which often is the case when we’re stressed, unhappy or unwell. Each pillar has an effect on the next. Not enjoying your job, this affects your relationships and consequently your health. Fear often drives our decisions, fear, for example, of quitting the job we dislike so much. Because without the job we can’t pay for our home unless we have support from our relationships – familial, or otherwise. But, money can be a cause of tension, especially if one person feels like they contribute more than the other. And so it continues around the pillars. Do you see the circle we so easily get caught up in? Amazing how everything is so interlinked.

So I’m out of balance, what do I do now?

All of this brings me back to the question I am currently asking myself. What the fuck do I do now? Well, honestly I don’t know, as the circumstances are different every time and for each person. What I do know is that finding the answer to situations require different approaches. Sometimes mediation or oracle cards work, other times it’s journaling or talking. Getting everything out of our heads is generally a good place to start. Fears get smaller, ideas bigger. Sometimes the more logical approach of the list of pros and cons of any decision works, but that requires options that you know are available.
But what if you don’t even know what the options are? Enter, the life recipe. In these moments I write a life recipe, a process that focuses me on what I absolutely have to have in my life, what’s negotiable and what I do not want. In fact, I’m doing one now with the question, what the fuck do I do now? Because quite frankly my options are vastly different from one another and I have no idea where to start other than with a recipe for the next chapter of my life.

Are you ready to make your life recipe?

Creating space for change

Download your copy of the life recipe workbook for free here.

Getting started requires some time, space

Create your ideal life with Wayfairer’s Life Recipe workbook, start planning and achieving your milestones!

and ideas. Gather momentum by focusing on what you do want in your life. Was wild and crazy as your ideas may sound. The best version of these wild ideas for you will appear care of your intention and the universe. The negotiable comes next, what would be great to have but non-essential, sometimes these ideas are the stepping stones to the must haves. And last, but certainly not least come the things that you’re not interested in having in your life, it’s good to be clear about what you’re not interested in moving towards, in all forms.

Once you’ve completed the three sections, leave the workbook for a few days. Let the ideas settle before reviewing your life recipe again, leave them to marinate in the back of your mind. After a few days, make some time and space to review the life recipe again. You might discover that you want to make some changes or tweak what you wrote, sometimes what sounds good one-day shifts to being not so cool the next.

Setting yourself up for success

Now, it’s action stations. Start planning your moves, to make things happen. Starting from the first few months, six and then nine months. Break down your ideas into smaller bite-size chunks, so they don’t seem so bloody scary. If however, your time scale is less than that you need to create timelines that reflect what time you have. From here it’s about support, ask your best friend or person who will hold you accountable to be present and hold the space for you to create this recipe. Report back to them, tick things off the list put a big fat line through the things you’ve done. Celebrate the steps you take, even if they’re sideways, backward, or diagonal. You’re exactly where you need to be.